Chuck Norris Facts

Top 50 Chuck Norris Facts & Jokes


    1. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
    2. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
    3. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
    4. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
    5. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
    6. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
    7. Chuck Norris can divide by zero
    8. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
    9. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
    10. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
    11. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
    12. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
    13. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
    14. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
    15. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
    16. According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
    17. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
    18. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
    19. Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
    20. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
    21. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
    22. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
    23. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time.
    24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
    25. Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
    26. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
    27. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
    28. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
    29. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
    30. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
    31. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
    32. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
    33. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
    34. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
    35. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
    36. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
    37. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    38. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
    39. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
    40. Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
    41. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
    42. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    43. Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
    44. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
    45. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
    46. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
    47. When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
    48. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
    49. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
    50. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

      Drowning is not a laughing matter.
      3.14 = PI.E
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